Lost Letters
by stephybearx
Summary: A collection of letters that Alex and Olivia have both written since Alex was sent into Witness Protection. A/O
1. Alex One

First of all, I want to take this time to apologize for all the people who are waiting for me to continue All I Ever Wanted. I am severely stuck at the moment with the story, and chances are I'm going to rewrite it, so please be patient.

Also, this is going to be a new thing for me. This isn't exactly a story, more as a collection of lost letters both Olivia and Alex wrote to each other while Alex was in WPP. I say lost because as we all know, Olivia didn't know Alex as, and Alex couldn't send them in chance that she was found by Velez, so I'm gonna try this out, please let me know what you think!

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_November 2003._

Dearest Olivia,

This is honestly the twentieth time I have tried to begin this letter to you. Dear Liv, Liv, To Whom This May Concern, Olivia, Dear Best Friend, and so on are how I've started a few of them. Even though I know I will never be able to send this letter to you, I believe this may be therapeutic to me, and it may get me through each and every day. I've been in witness protection for a month. One whole month and I'm already bored out of my mind. Of course I am filled with regret, guilt, fear, and believe it or not, some serenity. I regret not telling you every little detail about me and my life. I'm full of guilt because I got myself into this situation by not leaving my mouth shut. I fear my life ever day, still. I always have to look behind me and make sure no one is following me. Yet even though I am terrified of anyone finding me, I'm filled with this serene feeling. I catch myself from time to time smiling because I close my eyes, and all I can see are your chocolate brown orbs, saving my life.

You have no idea how grateful I am for you, Liv. Granted, at first I wish you would have just let me die there because I didn't want to leave my life behind; now I am so relieved you put all your pressure on my shoulder to stop me from bleeding out. I know you're probably angry with me, and I don't blame you. But I also hope you can forgive me and can understand why I _had_ to leave. I knew that If I had stayed, I would most definitely be dead by now. There is just no doubt in my mind that Velez would've had his goons hunt me down till the day I die, and unfortunately, it was just easier to make everyone believe that I was dead. You and Elliot are the only ones that know that I am alive. I hate myself so much for not being able to tell my mother that I am safe, and that she had to go through the heartbreak of thinking I was gone. My mother and I didn't always get along, but she's my mother, and I knew she loved me. It breaks my heart knowing that she is probably at peace with the fact that I'm not with my father. At the same time, that puts me at ease, because if she believes that and it makes her days easier, then I think I made the right choice. I'm always going to have doubts in my mind if I made the right choice. There's just no ifs, ands, or buts about that.

I hope I didn't hurt you and Elliot too much. Scratch that. I Hope I didn't hurt you too much. Elliot and I always butted heads and I'm sure he may be somewhat relieved I'm not there. It gives him a new ADA to rough up and acts like a muscle head to. But you… You were… you ARE my best friend. Granted, we didn't exactly get along either when I first became your ADA, but you were the only one to truly open up to me. Sure, there was Munch, but come on now, he's all about his conspiracies and theories and that's just not me. In my life, things are either black or white, no gray area. Except for one thing; you. You were that grey area for me. You tore down your walls, and caused me to break down mine as well. I've never really had friends. I did have this one friend back in like my sophomore year of high school; her name was Jessica. We hit it off immediately. She was a new student that year and she transferred from some school down in New Jersey. Now I know you know about that "Jersey Reputation", where the girls are all prissy and rich snobs… But Jess, she was completely different. Sure, her family came from money, but she didn't act the same as other girls did. She was extremely nice and she had a warm heart. I never understood how a girl could be so amazing and so sweet. Then one day I went over her house to check on her because she wasn't in school for a week, and I saw that she had moved. I saw her neighbor outside mowing his lawn and I asked him when they moved, and if he knew why. He told me that their family was so heartbroken over her death that they had to move back to Jersey two days ago to be with family. I asked him about whose death, and he said Jess. He told me that her father was a belligerent drunk and came home one night and found out she was having trouble in one of her classes, so he beat her into a coma. She had such massive brain swelling that she didn't last three days, and her mother had to pull the plug. My heart instantly broke knowing my one best friend was murdered by her own father. Stuff like that never happens around here, and to find that out was just so traumatizing. My mom and dad both tried to comfort me at the time, but I was just so depressed that I didn't want to hear any of it.

Her death was truly a turning point in my life. That was when I knew I wanted to help people, somehow. I started to really amp up my school work and do my best. Why am I telling you all of this? I don't know… Maybe because I feel bad knowing that I never did… There are just so many stories I wish I could have told you back when we had lunch so many times, back when you were always staying over my apartment, but that's all lost now. You weren't just my best friend Liv; I truly believe you were the love of my life. I never liked women before you, and I never thought I would. I don't believe I am gay or whatever, but I do believe that I am in love with one woman, and that woman is you. You are the love of my life, not were. Who knows, even if I do end up meeting someone here, I know it won't amount into anything. Having someone here will just fill the void known as Olivia Benson. Just know one thing Liv, even if I don't get out of WPP for twenty years, you'll still be the only one for me.

I love how I put so much heavy stuff in the first letter to you. I'm sorry. Once I start writing I just can't stop. Here I am, sitting in Wisconsin at a small picnic table in my backyard, crying my eyes out as I write most of this letter. I can't believe I got this far without completely breaking down… The first ten times I attempted to write this letter, the moment I started to write your name, I just broke down. I miss you. I miss you so much. And I hope you can forgive me one day. I hope that if I ever get out of here and back to New York, you'll still be there waiting for me…

I can only hope..

_My love is lost.__  
__But is my love lost forever?__  
__I fear it is so.__  
__My love was once great,__  
__But my love is no more.__  
__My love is like the sun at night...__  
__It is not there.__  
__My love was once as bright as the sun,__  
__Now my love is dull as a light gray rock.__  
__My love used to be courageous as a lion,__  
__But now she is as useless as a bow.__  
__My love used to have eyes that sparkled__  
__Like the stars in the night.__  
__My love is gone now. My love has been taken.__  
__But where to? I don't know.__  
__But I do know that I shall never see or touch my love again.__  
__She is gone..._


	2. Olivia One

**I apologize for the wait. **

**The hard drive on my laptop went bad so i had to wait to get a new one, and I had to figure out which direction i was going to go with Olivia's letter. Thank you all so so much for the reviews. I wasn't sure how people would see this story. I figured it was something different so I'd give it a try. Chapters will be alternating between the two, and it will pick up. Right now, i want to establish some type of solid idea in the beginning, and then go more for them telling stories to each other about their life and whatnot. So please stick with me!**

**The song belongs to Spill Canvas, ad unfortunately none of the characters in my stories belong to me!**

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_November 2003_

Dear Alex,

You've been in Witsec for almost 5 weeks , I am counting. I've been counting since the moment you drove away in that black SUV. God Alex, why did this happen you? Why did this happen to us? Why did this happen at all? I know you're probably blaming yourself for fighting so hard to get justice for all the victims, but damn Alex, you should have backed off a tiny bit. I know I'm being a hypocrite right now because I always told you to either go all out, or not at all. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but wish that you did back off just that little bit. Who am I kidding though? You're Alexandra Cabot; hardass, stubborn, and the best ADA that Manhattan Special Victims has ever seen. Granted, you are the only one that was just for us, but now we have a girl named Casey Novak, and boy does she erk me. She really just knows how to push my buttons and get me really pissed off. The main difference between you and her, was that even though we fought all the time, we both knew it was because we wanted justice... Casey... She's just kinda there to me at the moment. She's been with us for about a month and she's driving me nuts Alex. She really is.

El and I have a bet on how long she's gonna last with us. he thinks a year, tops... I think she may be with us for a long time. I may say I can't stand her and whatnot, but she knows what she's doing. She knows how to work the law almost as well as you and uses it to her advantage quite well. She asked me about you the other day... She asked about your win/loss record, who you were exactly, how you prepared for such grueling cases, and how you had the time to relax... I told her everything I knew. I told her that you didn't know what the relax meant. You worked almost every hour of everyday to get justice for the victims. I let her know that at first you were all about the politics and "getting somewhere," but then you came around and saw how tough this job was and how the victims truly needed justice. She never once interrupted me, which caught my curiousity. I had to question her intentions and all she said was that she wish that she had the chance to meet such an inspiring, strong woman. I had to laugh at this to myself. I almost told her that maybe one day she could, but I remembered you were no longer "alive". It breaks my heart to talk about you as if you were dead.

I went and saw your mother the other day... She's completely heart broken, as expected. We had previously spoken at your funeral, and she told me not to be a stranger considering she felt as though I was the closest thing she had left to remember you by. We had lunch and we exchanged stories for hours on end about you and everything you accomplished. She told me about a girl you met in college and how she knew that girl was special. She said to me, "Olivia, don't get me wrong, I always knew there was something different about Alexandra. Instead of chasing the boys in middle school, she wanted to beat them up and show them that she was better them that at everything. I think I realized my daughter wasn't straight when she was about 14, when she was a freshman in high school. She wanted to play the dirtiest most grueling sports that the high school could offer. Of course the school we sent her to was a private high school, but they actually had an astonishing amount of talent in the sports category. Her father grew extremely concerned over the amount of time she spent playing baseball and all sorts of sports that only boys typically play. She would then only hang out with boys, and of course, her father was worried about his little angel and that she didn't want any of those filthy boys to tarnish her. I told him that he needs to relax and trust our daughter because she was special. She had a few boyfriends through high school but none of them ever lasted. And then when she was in college, she met a girl named Lauren, and they were inseparable..." I remember that conversation like it was written on the back of my hand. She went on to tell me all about your friendship with Lauren and how it was extremely hard for you when she had to move to a different, less expensive school.

Gay. Your mother didn't exactly say that you were gay, but she said that she knew you weren't straight. God how I wish I knew that before then. I know you thought I was straight considering you heard about my so called "reputation" and how I had slept with Munch's old partner. There is no way in hell that I've ever been straight. I sleep with me because I need to fill that void because I am so damn lonely. Ever since you became our ADA, I went on maybe 3 or 4 dates. All of those dates ended right after we said goodnight. I never called anyone back and I never had the intention too. All I could ever focus on was you. The moment you walked in and I looked at you, I was hooked. I fought with you more then what was needed. I confess that I loved seeing you fired up and passionate about everything, and then I had to wonder if you were that passionate in every other aspect of your life. I apologize for having a dirty mind, but you are a gorgeous and stunning woman. The way you walk in those heels and powersuits, the way you fix your glasses when you're busy doing paperwork on your desk, and the way that you look at me like you always knew what I was thinking... You just get me in such a trance, I just can't help but smile as I'm writing this.

Alex, if I ever find out where you are now, I swear to God that I would jump on a plane and confess my undying love and attraction for you, but I know I'll never know. So for now, I'm going to pretend that I know where you are and I can send this.

I can't believe I fell in love with a woman who is supposed to be dead. Look what you do to me Alex. I'm writing you a letter and who knows how many more I'm going to write. You make me weak in the knees and you make my heart flutter. Maybe one day we'll have a chance to be together..

Maybe one day...

_This is where I start to miss you, more than I can bear._  
_ I hate this distance in between us, I don't think it's fair._  
_ All my time spent wondering, how I stay true to you._  
_ But you're not here, and now I fear,_  
_ I'll never get back to you._

_ My blood aches from from trying to make you appear,_  
_ Oh its such an awful sight to just see me in the mirror._


End file.
